Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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