He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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