Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Im part way to drunk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
