For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
