Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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