Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
