shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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