i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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