just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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