Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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