Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
