New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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