I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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