i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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