good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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