He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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