Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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