In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
