so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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