If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
