I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
