He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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