Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
