brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
