i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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