She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
