I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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