Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
it was like eating out sand paper
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
