i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
