I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
