I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
