I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She's the barista slut.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
