OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
