Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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