Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
