Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
