Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
