he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
