don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize