forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
