I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
