So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
