and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
