he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
