So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
