Where is the hickey?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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