don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
