Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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