I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
