I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
