I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
