Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
