How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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