some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
