The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
