He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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