Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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