I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
