one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she smelled like a LAN party
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
