What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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